10-31-02

Wow. Long day. Not much to say beyond that. I need sleep, and so I shall have it, I don't have to get up for 12 hours and don't have a single test until... Monday. damn. I have two on Monday. Ok, I'll study tomororw night. Wait...work. Screw it, I'll study this weekend, I'm tired. Wait...dammit, I'm going to OU on Saturday. ARG! So, I'll study... Sunday...night, cause I work Sunday morning. *sighs.

Boy, after that, I think we need some Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy. Yes, you all remember early 90's SNL, when it was still funny? Well this is from there. Its funny, check it out. Here, I found this column really funny, and I felt really sorry for the guy writing it. Plus I related, cause I felt similarly earlier this year. Lets see, what else? Oh! My All-American Rejects CD came today. I had to order it online cause none of the stores here carried it. But yeah. I haven't looked forward to owning a CD this much in a long time, and it was worth the wait, cause a lot of the tracks I had downloaded and loved have been reworked for the final CD. W00t! It was supposed to come with a poster and stickers, but didn't, which sucks, but it DID come with a sampler CD with several bands I've never heard of and a few I had, plus a track by the Rejects that isn't on the CD. W00t again. Plus the sampler cd itself is easily the coolest design for a cd I have ever seen. It has the middle of the CD (roughly the size of one of those mini-cd's) filled with music, but then the entire outside half is clear plastic. So, the cd is both a mini-cd and a full cd. It just looks cool. I dig it. Hehe, I started talking about the rejects and had to put the CD in, I'm listening to it right now and I really really really enjoy it. I've decided I am going to go see them November 26th in OKC, hopefully I can convince Kat to come with me. Ever since Edgefest I've been itching to see them live again. They're no Incubus, but there is something awesome about seeing a band before they get huge, and I think the Rejects will make it, once they get signed to a real record label. Yeah. Chasing Amy. AWESOME movie. Easily one of my favorite's of all time. It made me a loyal Kevin Smith fan. Found this link, made me want to watch the movie again. If any of you have seen it, hopefully you'll have fun with this soundboard. Oh, hope you enjoyed the last post of October. Starting tomorrow my website will be entering its third month. Wow. I'm impressed with myself! hehe.

Whew. Damn Java project took all night. Its all good, its done now, and its done right. However, during this whole ball of fun, my mom posed an interesting question to me: "is this what you want to do with your life?" I didn't have an answer for her at all. I do computer science because it always came easily to me. Not as much anymore, I have to really fight for A's, but B's are still easy to get. But, yeah, that's a very interesting question. I'm totally not sure if I want to spend the rest of my life in a cubicle typing java all day. I had a bitch of a time just doing this little project this evening. Granted, its because I'm totally out of practice, this is only the second time since last November that I've even attempted to code in java. Or any other language, for that matter. I used to be a computer junkie 24-7. If I wasn't coding, I was gaming, or surfing the net. Now all I seem to use it for is AIM and reading stuff on the web. Don't have a single game installed, and I only program when I have to. So, is this what I want to do? Well, I know I CAN do it, but is it what I WANT to do? I honestly don't know. I enjoy philosophy a lot, enjoy talking about it, enjoy arguing, but a degree in philosophy isn't worth a damn thing. A degree in computer science is generally worth a chunk of change, even in todays economy. It would be a good way to provide for myself and anyone close to me. But yeah, is it what I WANT? Why can't I answer this question? Lets say I get a degree in business or something. I could do that, and I think I would enjoy it, but I would need some sort of experience in whatever field of business I went into. Plus I doubt I'm cut-throat enough to do it. I am NOT going to wait tables for the rest of my life, although it is very easy and I make damn good money. The reason I came to TU was because its computer science program was so kick-ass. It is, if you want a CS degree, TU is DEFINATELY one of the few GREAT schools in the nation. However, its tough enough, and I have so little time to concentrate on studies due to a job and a desire to have a social life, that there is a good chance I won't come back after this semester (or next semester, more on that later). So. I'm not sure that I even want the degree that I've mortgaged the last two years of my life to get. Heh. I honestly have no clue what to do here. I think I would like to go into a hardware developement field, go work for Nvidia or Intel designing the new chips. That would be cool. However, I'm studying all software and almost zero hardware. I know I'm not top of the line in the CS field. I know this. There are guys out there who are MUCH better than me at this. But I can still do this, and do it well. Do I want to do it for the rest of my life though?
Ah, fuck it, enough on that. Now that I'm thinking about it I'm sure I'll come up with some ideas. I'm not making any progress here as it is. Anyhoo, I read an article in our school paper today. It talked about webloggers. Bloggers. Me. It kind of sucked, cause I realized I'm totally no longer being unique here, if I ever was. I'm part of a "culture." Although I do take a lot of pride in this site, the vast majority of the people who write these wouldn't know HTML if it bit them on the ass. Plus I'd like to think that I come up with something interesting philosophically every now and then. But yeah, what a dream crushing day. However! I got some good news this afternoon, I did better on my second CPL exam (8 am test yesterday) than I did on the first one this year and FAR better than I did on the same test last year. This is a good thing. I am going to make an A or B in that class, and I struggled to make a D last year. I also got some great news last night. I suppose y'all read what I wrote last night about Kat and how happy it made me to just hold her hand. I totally was unsure about whether to post it, cause I wasn't sure how she would react. Well, she took the the time to let me know it meant a lot to her too, and that was just plain awesome. Anyway, I've been invited to a frat party tomorrow night, but I'm prolly going to blow it off to sleep. Its been a busy week. I wish I had more time than I do, cause as much as I whine about not having a social life, I actually get invited to do stuff fairly frequently, I just never have time. Yeah. Okay, I've got to get up in four hours, I'm out.

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10-29-02

Shitty day. Fucked the tests, and I'm scared about school. I don't want to flunk out, I really don't. By flunk out I mean lose my scholarship by not maintaining a 3.25 GPA. Same difference, really. Anyway, I got way too little sleep, and so the world feels a wee bit weird today. Plus I'm distracted out of my mind. Earlier I had a valid reason for being distracted, I had a beautiful girl on my mind. Now I'm just tired enough that I'm distracted by shiny things. Ohh! A spoon!....*drifts away

Yeah, I'm supposed to be coding a project in Java that's due thursday that I have put off until the last minute, again. I needed to study for the tests that I bombed. Seems smart, eh? *shrugs. Yeah, anyway, I'm taking a survey here, I'm looking for anyone who has a good idea for what two poor college students can do to pass the time on a Saturday in Norman. I think this Saturday is going to be like a "date" and I want to do it right. Wow, date, what a heavy word. I've got dinner and a movie(of sorts) lined up, but I'm looking for other activities. Twister has been suggested, and having never played, it just might be worth a shot (prolly not though, since I don't even have the game). If you have any ideas, email me or drop a line in the forums.

I dunno, I just feel so much like a little kid right now. I'm always trying to control everything. I try to control the way people feel about me, and the way I feel about people. The way I act around people. Normally I'm pretty damn good at this. But then I get around this girl, and I get stupid. I just look at her, and forget any smart things I have to say, any good ideas I have. I totally have no control here. Spending four hours in the car just to see her face on Saturday seems like the best idea I've had all day. I know, I know, I talk about her too much. I dunno though, this is supposed to be where I talk about what's on my mind, and she's damn sure on my mind. Its just that this is my shot, you know? I tried for six months to get a shot, and now I have it. I still feel very weirded out by this whole situation, because I've never been involved in anything quite like it, because I tend to keep the girls I see at arms length, that way I can't get hurt. Plus I very rarely find one worth getting to know. But she knows me. Knows the way my head works, knows the way my heart works. I can't pretend. I know she saw the smile on my face that was put there simply by holding her hand. I held her hand. I worked up my courage, and I held her hand. And she let me. And it made me happy. God I'm such a child.

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10-28-02

Work. Zios. What a unique environment. It appeals that Britt and I are going to be thrust to the forefront of a rebellion by the servers. Since the vast majority of the people who I actually enjoy working with there are either quitting or fed up enough with the job that they WANT to quit, it appears we're going to try to change some things instead of just walking. Hopefully, if things go as planned, we can get a big enough group together to demand an audience with management to request changes in policy. I'm very unsure of how this is all going to work out. With any luck we'll actually get some sort of respect from the bosses, or else we'll quit. Seems simple enough, I've wanted to quit for a while, so not a whole lot for me to lose here. The only reason I stuck around as long as I did was the servers I worked with. If they're bailing, there isn't a whole lot for me to stick around for. I just feel bad about the way its going down. They stripped me of my Tuesday night closing shift, giving it to one of the "trainers." I, obviously, am not pleased about this. Every time I turn around, they're finding new ways for me to make less money doing the same job. First they drop the closers section from 4 tables to 3, now they take the right to close away. The thing is, I was being fairly vocal about my dislike of this, and the guy who wound up with my closing shift heard how pissed I was. See, its not his fault. Management obviously thinks he'd do a better job than me, and so they gave it to him. Its not his fault I got stripped of it. Now he thinks I'm all pissed at him, and I'm not, I swear. I'm just pissed at the system, and the lack of trust they have in their servers, and the growing awareness that seniority doesn't mean a god damn thing. He offered to try and refuse it, and I told him not to. I hope he listens, the last thing anyone needs is for management to think I'm "corrupting" their new trainers. But yeah, it appears that just about everyone is wanting to leave. Myself, Britt, Renee, we're all ready to leave at the drop of a hat. Laura will be gone in a month or two, same with Becca and Sean W. Derrick is pissed at the system, but afraid to leave, but I think we could get him and Misty on board. Even some of their "trainers" are ready to bail. Larry (easily the most respected server in the place) is fed up, Aaron has offered to get our backs, and indicated he might be gone after Christmas. Chris and Danny already have new jobs. And this week alone Kinnlee and Danielle both quit, and they've been there longer and as long as I have, respectively. Its getting ugly. They are on the threshold of a mass revolt and have no idea. I'm kind of curious how this is going to play out, and I know I'm going to be thrust to the forefront of it. I'm not sure if I want that, and I'm also not sure if I trust anyone else to run it right. Yeah, I know almost none of my readers are Zios peeps, so most of those names mean nothing to you, but just think of sheer numbers. A restaurant can only have so many servers, and thats a significant number of them. Ok, I have to study, I have two HUGE tests in the morning, one at 8, one at 11, and I'm kind of scared. So I've gone to get my learn on. I'll leave you with this picture that Matt sent me, he was one of the people "anonymously referred to as purveyors of a badass time" from Friday night. Enjoy!

Wow. Today is easily one of the best days I've had in a very long time. I just got back from OU, and Incubus, and Kathrin, and I'm still wide awake. Bone tired, but wide awake. Yeah, I don't know how to explain it either. But Incubus- WOW. That seems to describe it well. Pardon Me kicked so much ass. Mexico was extremely awesome live. And the encore of Aqueous Transmission? FUCKING WOW. I've been to a lot of concerts, most of which the headlining band has walked off then come back to do an encore, and I have NEVER seen the crowd as pumped up as it was during the off time as it was during Incubus. Oh, and the opening act, Har Mar Superstar? AVOID HIM LIKE THE PLAGUE. He fell out of the 70's and hit his head a few times on the landing, apparently convincing himself he was Jack Black. Yeah, anyhoo.... I can't say enough good things about today. Kathrin totally made the drive down and back worthwhile, regardless of Incubus. OU is mad spiffy. I dig the dorms, I dig the lounge area, I dig the students there, I was completely impressed. If I do wind up there, I could think of FAR worse things. Yeah. I need sleep.

I hope I'm a good kisser, I'm a little out of practice.



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10-27-02

Sleep is good. Its a total waste of time, but I feel GREAT. I haven't slept this long in a very long time. Anyhoo, not a whole lot up, other than I'm seeing Incubus later today! I'm looking forward to it a lot. The time I should have spent studying tonight I've been listening to a lot of Incubus. heh. Anyway, I've pretty much decided that the current layout of the page is the way its going to stay for the time being, with the possible exception of switching the links on the left to buttons. Since I lack all artistic ability, that might take a while. So don't get your hopes up. I want to get some pictures to put up here. I have a grand total of ONE digital picture of myself, and NONE of the vast majority of my friends. Anyhoo, I had an awesome time last night. I wound up spending the majority of it with a couple of friends that graduated with me. One I had never met before, and the other I had never even actually hung out with. But yeah, so these guys and I hung out like all of last night, and I had an awesome time. I thought I was uniquely fucked up, but as it turns out, I'm commonly fucked up. Who knew? Anyhoo, gonna have to find the time to kick it with them again. Also, Nicole read the page. Said I was a whiner. Well, duh. I wonder if she took anything else out of it. Mebbe she should sign the forums :) Ok, yeah, I have to study and sleep, cause I'm going to OU tomorrow. W00t.

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10-23-02

Site redesign. Again. What can I say, I love to tinker. I think this looks better and navigates easier, so hopefully its a good thing. I'm frustrated with Assembler and CPL. Both of these are classes directly pertaining to my major, but they are boring, just straight memorization. I love doing stuff where I can APPLY what I'm doing, as it is, I just have to read and reread the notes I've taken in class to make sure I can spout the correct representation of a number in 32 bit binary or the different design issues around building a programming language. Yuck. Shouldn't I be interested in this stuff, considering its what I'm going to do with my life? Oh well, don't have much of a choice, test in both these classes on Tuesday. Oh, and any ideas as far as the redesign, drop me a line through AIM or the forums. I wrote it, so I don't really need to read it, but I want to make it as friendly as possible to y'all. I'm out.

I feel like writing. I dropped a bit of a rant in the forums earlier while I was on my break between classes at school. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense, I need to take the time to clean it up because I actually convinced myself my own argument was wrong in the middle of writing it. Heh. Anyhoo, I still think its at least somewhat interesting, being a discussion of what happiness is and isn't. I think my final position on that is that happiness is little things. Big things are both up and down, and often very complicated, but simple little things can be the most powerful moments. I know you all can think of several moments off the top of your head when you can remember just being in the moment and being happy. Anyhoo, I seriously need to work my ass off for the next few weeks. Two tests this coming Tuesday, a programming project due Thursday, and two more tests that following Monday. Also supposed to have a philosophy paper thrown in there somewhere, but he still hasn't given us the assignment, so I dunno. Oh, yeah, finally decided its just too damn complicated to try and crash at OU, so I'll be down there all day Sunday, driving home that night. If you're reading this and at OU, still give me a call, I'll try to get together with you, at least for a little while.
Incubus.
Sunday.
W00t.
Should be a great show, I still wish I'd gone to see them at Cain's when I had the chance a few years ago, I just didn't know them that well back then. Turns out Rebecca has actually turned into a loyal reader of the site. That's pretty flattering. Kind of surprising too, I figured the profanity and random blasphemy would have scared her off long ago. Glad that it didn't. Lets see, what else....this is the stuff we're currently covering in Philosophy, if anyone's interested. Also. I still need to get my windshield replaced, found out it will cost me $100, I'm putting it off to do it at the same time I replace my tire, I dunno if I ever mentioned to y'all that they pulled a 2 inch long nail out of my left rear tire. I still want to hurt someone about that. Yeah, anyhoo, I put a patch in it, but it rightly should fail any day now. I seriously need to get moving on that. Just having a hard time making it a priority. Here, let me spend money that I shouldn't spend on something that I don't actually need yet. *sigh. Listen to I Might Be Wrong by Radiohead. Damn good song, thanks to Kat on that one. Ever wondered where the word "asshat" came from? Wonder no more, just read this site. Also go check out the coolest clock ever. Alrighty, anyone who feels nice and generous should buy me this shirt. Don't really, there aren't many places I could wear it, but I still think its a great nod to Happy Gilmore, a great movie. Finally, I think I may have already linked this one once, but hey, after philosophy class today and butting heads repeatedly with my teacher, I felt the need to link it again. Alrighty, I'm going to go attempt to study and program. Attempt being the operative word. I have the worst work ethic ever. Somebody help me motivate myself!

I'm pleased. I'm having a good day. Made some good money at work, and I'm excited about this weekend. I'm planning on seeing Incubus Sunday night and spending the majority of the rest of Saturday or Sunday with Kathrin. I'm really looking forward to seeing her this weekend, I had a whole lot of fun with her last weekend. I'm trying to figure out the whole plan for that, though. I'd love to see her on Saturday or Monday too, but I have to find a place to crash at OU. I dunno if I'm supposed to put anything here or not, but Kathrin agreed to give me a shot! I've been chasing this girl for a while now, and had almost given up, but she's giving me a chance! I'm really excited about this. I remember the smile on her face this Sunday, and I'm just excited about seeing her this weekend. I wonder how on earth I got so lucky.

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10-21-02

YAY!. That is all.

Been reading Rocky's site, really enjoying it. Also Joe finally got around to updating his site again, and I dig it as well. Plus he linked to my site, so I oughta return the favor. Find both those links and several other new links under the "The Author" part of the page.
Something new happened to me today, I wrote something that I'm just not quite ready for the world to see. It might eventually make its way up here, maybe not, we'll see. I feel somewhat like a hypocrite though, this site is designed purely to write about anything and everything on my mind. Oh well. In return for my slacking, I offer instead this helpful site on how to deal with telemarketers. Ok, I can sense you need more. Check the Girl's guide to geek guys. You never know, you just might learn something. Ok, probably not, but its still an entertaining read. Now its time for Zach to do some homework in computer assembly language (and binary). Fun. Oh, and the forums are experiencing actual activity, I'm quite pleased with this, and would love it if anyone reading this would throw a post up there. I'm out.

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10-20-02

I'm happy. I'm extremely happy. Had a GREAT weekend, had a whole lot of fun, more fun than I've had in a very long time. I can't get the smile off of my face. Went to church this morning, a more subdued Methodist church. Was MUCH more comfortable than ORU. They begged repeatedly for money, so I wouldn't say I really took anything out of it, but it was still much more the environment that I wanted to be in. Here in a week or three Kat and I are gonna try another church, see what we can find. I'm going to see Incubus in a week, the closer it gets, the more excited I get. I think I broke my little sisters computer, but I'm not sure how. Sorry Sam. Oh well, I'll attempt to fix it again later. The new Good Charlotte CD is QUITE badass. I advise everyone to at least give a few songs a listen, you just might be surprised. Oh, I'm not sure quite what to make of the following fact: I can't find the music I want anywhere. I looked for the All-American Rejects CD at both Borders and Best Buy, neither had it. Looked for the Notwist CD both places. Neither once carried it. Looked for the first Good Charlotte CD at Borders, didn't have it. Looked for the DVD-Audio of Linkin Park's Reanimation at Best Buy, and, of course, they didn't have it either. What's up with this? Come on, big chains, carry some good music! Ahhhh, I'm in such a good mood, but confused off my ass, and there is nothing to do but wait! Oh well, maybe I'll go read some Resident Life. Just discovered it this weekend, and found it extremely funny. A great starting point would have to be this comic, they adopt a squirrel named Beer. 'Nuff said. One last thing, anyone who has ever seen Clerks or has any love for Kevin Smith needs to check out this link. Now begone!

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10-18-02

Check this picture out, I thought it was awesome. I missed Sharon. She's always been a great friend. She left a shout-out in the forums too. Hopefully I'll see her again before she goes back to school (she's in town on fall break). Anyhoo, I've really enjoyed having actual activity in the forums. Anyone who has anything to say, positive or negative, pointless or deep and insightful, just put it up there. The absolute worst thing that can happen is that I respond. Or don't respond. Depending on who you are. Anyway... anyone with any ideas on color schemes, layout ideas, or anything as far as the "look" of this site should let Tyler or myself know, it appears that its facelift time. I'm also really damn happy Kathrin is coming into town this weekend too. We're gonna check out Octoberfest, and much fun will be had by all. I've never been, not entirely sure what to expect. We're also prolly going to go to church at Tyler's church. "Old and stuffy, the way religion should be." Also might eat at the restaurant that my fave manager from Zios left to found. Have a standing job offer there, might be worth checking out. So yeah, that's my weekend, and I'm pretty excited about it. Get to see prolly my two best friends in the world, (both female, does anyone else find that a bit odd?) get to have fun, get to skip all homework, and get to just relax. Just what the doctor ordered. Anyway, the new Foo Fighters CD is pretty badass, I'm about halfway through it, and its alright. Its nowhere near "the colour and the shape" but its heavier, mostly, which I dig. Ok, yeah, I need to find a girl. I'll let y'all know how that goes. Or, you can just assume I'll fail, and you'll prolly be right. But if you want to know exactly HOW I fail, just ask. That's what I'm here for. Although I did get Jackie to admit that she had a thing for me tonight. If she wasn't INSANE I might think about it, cause I honestly don't have many prospects at the moment, but I have standards. I don't want some girl to just fool around with, I'm ready to have someone around who I can trust and talk to.

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10-16-02

Hello. I fixed my computer, anyone who has an ECS K7S5A motherboard (like you, Jon) needs to get a power supply that pushes 28A on the 3.3V rail. It stops the random freezing. Anyhoo, I want to talk about the sniper. This guy bothers me. Not only is he showing how easy it would be to kill a lot of us without getting caught, but he's destroying our way of life. I was watching the news this afternoon and they had recommendations on how to "avoid sniper attacks." They also had pop ups from people who had written in with their own ideas. People were advising "Carry a large umbrella to your side for cover." Wow. The true panicky nature or our nation is quite something. I'm scared of this guy, I think you're scared of this guy, and I GUARANTEE the people in the DC area are scared of this guy. However, the sad truth is, only 9 people have died. That's like a bad car accident. To be blunt, this sort of shit happens. The trick is to not change your way of life, otherwise he has already won. He wants to instill fear in us all. Its working, but do you want to live this way? I sure don't. So, the question becomes what do we do about him, how do we react, can we pretend he doesnt exist? I don't know. I wish I had all the answers, but I don't. But I know that if you stop LIVING to avoid DYING you have already lost. I guess its just a matter of priorities and risk. I know I'm a hypocrite, I sure as hell wouldnt want someone who is close to me go outside in the DC area right now. But I know that if we all hide inside, that our lives will have already been ruined. Unless you have season two of Buffy on DVD, W00t.

I recieved my Philosophy test back today. Did alright, made a B, nothing to really brag about, The reason I mention it is I wanted to post my answer to the last question on the test and the things that my philosophy teacher wrote on the paper. I have no idea if it will interest you or not, but I'm proud of it so its getting posted. This is the benefit of having your own website :) Anyhoo, the question was choose a viewpoint, either attacking or defending technology, based on several points that he gave us. Alright, here's what I wrote:

Ahh. Technology vs. Morality again. I'm very unsure of what to write here, because I already made my argument to you in class. The problem is, we can both be completely wrong as far as our "opinions" go, but we both use logic to make our point, which is essentially all that philosophy is. So now I'm left with the choice of trying to use your arguments against technology in the hopes of achieving a higher grade or of using my own arguments and hoping there is enough logic there to keep it afloat. Meh, I'm way too arrogant to write what I'm supposed to write, so I'll attempt to defend technology.

"Point 1: Superior technology undermines the moral structure of modern society"

This is actually a strong point, because anyone with a better weapon that anyone else is by nature going to feel stronger and more powerful. However, I don't see this as a modern phenomenon. The first caveman with fire was no doubt feared by the other cave men. The first army on horse back struck fear into the other sides cavalry. The atomic bomb took the will to fight from the Japanese. I do not thing this undermines the moral structure of life, because, by nature, we want to feel powerful. Its already there, how can we be undermining it? (*here he wrote "Hasuit T. Wimpified human beings?" and I honestly have no clue what he is referencing.)

"Point 2: Increasing technology is suposed to provide security but instead makes people more paranoid and unsafe."

Again, a logical argument. But again, a product of human nature. People have always wanted to feel secure. This is why things like locks were invented, so people would feel safer, and arguably, BE safer. But soon the lock-pick was invented, so people wanted a new way to feel secure. Electronic security systems, deadbolts, countless other things. "Neccessity is the mother of invention." People NEEDED to feel safe. You could argue that people now have a greater chance of being destroyed by a bomb, Sure, I'll admit that, but back in the day, I'd wager there were similar odds of being run over by a "terrorist" on horseback.

"Point 3: Technology brings the world together and causes terrorism."

Terrorism. This is a very scary thing, because people feel powerless against it. This I would argue comes from jealousy and oppression. They are jealous of what we have and feel we "wronged them." I would honestly argue that the only way to defeat terrorism and feelings like that is to have everyone be equal, so they don't become jealous of what they "can't have." The only thing technology has done is to create larger weapons for both sides to use against each other.

This is what I had hoped this class would be more of- looking at multiple views of the same issues, while being grounded in logic. You might be able to tell I love to argue.

*His response: "And you argue well. I presented on arguments that are virtually never heard, and I'm told I presented them well, are you complaining? Why don't you try arguing against your own opinions then?

So, it appears to be pretty much a draw. I tried to ask him to do more stuff like this and he told me to go do it on my own. Oh well, you win some, you lose some, I'm just happy he gave me all the points on that question. I gotta go do homework, laters.

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10-15-02

Tired. Me=tired. I'm also very frustrated with my computer. Something is broken, and I dunno what. It randomly locks up with many different activities. I think its the motherboard. Those are expensive. I'm totally unsure of what to do, it will either require a lot of money or a lot of time. Oh well, I'm sure I'll get it working. Hopefully. Or I'll get so fed up I buy a new one. Meh.

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10-13-02

Lets kick it off with something that bothers me. All my life, I've had hobbies I was ashamed of. Its fairly frustrating to try and find other people who enjoy the same kind of things you do without risking public humiliation simply by revealing the things that give you pleasure. I'll admit, I'm totally a hypocrite, I used to ruthlessly mock people who would do things that I thought were stupid or whatever. I grew up loving star trek. Had books, had action figures, had tapes of episodes, I loved the stuff. I've ougrown it for the most part, although I still have a fond spot in my heart for DS9 reruns, but I was totally ashamed to admit that, because of the fear of what people would think of me. I collected comics for a time in my life. Don't anymore, haven't for a long time, but even my best friends made fun of me for that one. Its escapism. A way to avoid thinking about your life and think about other, happier things. Thats the true purpose of entertainment. Currently, I'm mad addicted to Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Find it a really good show, just bought the second season on DVD, only the second "fun" thing I've bought since school started. However, I still feel mad stupid admitting this. Not entirely sure why, its not like I have many friends to offend. I'm still feeling very odd about the way things fell apart with my old group of friends. It really really hurt. I still wonder everytime I'm spending time with people if I'm doing something to make them not want to be my friend. And if I am, will they even tell me? Aceptance is a big deal for me. Being accepted makes me feel like people care. I guess I want everyone to like me. Won't happen, and there are several people who I'm perfectly cool with them not liking me, but only if I don't like them. Keith? I don't give a damn if he likes me, but thats only because he pissed me off. But for the most part, if I know you, I want you to like me. Oh well, me wanting to be liked actually comes in AFTER my desire to be different. For example, I forgot to take off my "raver shades" (new pair of sunglasses) when I walked into Zios this morning, so it became a game between management and I to see if I could wait tables in them. They shot me down, but I had a shitload of fun standing out from the crowd and goofing off. I really need to get a picture of me in them, I may look totally like a jackass, but I have fun with them.
I dig candy corn. Picked up like a pound bag of the knockoff brand for $1 and I've been loving it for the past week or so. Prolly not too good for me, but meh, it tastes good. Also dug out my Prodigy CD. They were definately before their time. Some good techno-ish stuff on there.
I want to come out strongly against secrets. I don't like them. One of the people I would consider a friend from work kept something pretty major from me. She told me all I wanted to know once she knew I had an idea, and she told me that I am one of her favorite people at work. I get that a lot now. The majority of the staff has told me that I'm one of their few favorite people at work. That made me feel pretty damn good. Too bad I'm not accepted at all once I step foot outside. Meh, I'm working on that. But yeah, secrets. I dislike them. The outward fronts that people put up are really quite something. How can you come to like someone if you don't even know them? Thats a serious issue for me, because I've never been complex enough to have "layers." This is me, deal with it. I just wish I could find more people who were willing to just share. To just let it all hang out, to say "here I am, like me or dislike me, this is the person I am." That's one of the things I like about Becca. She keeps me at arms length, granted, but when she does talk to me, she never lies. She never has a "front." If I do something stupid, she always calls me on it. Which is actually a pretty frequent thing, but meh. I'm still trying to figure out what to do about the female situation in my life. I'm still kind of figuring out that I can't have the girl that I obsessed over for the majority of summer. Its cool, I've been actively looking for someone else for a couple months, so I think I'm pretty much over her. I'm just wondering if I should chase after the one girl that I've met in a while who seems genuinely awesome, or if I need to just find some random girl on the short term, or if I need to just be alone for a while. I'm pretty sure its not the last one, I've been alone for about a year now. I dunno, I'm just pretty sure I don't want to get hurt again.
I'm not real pleased with this update. Too depressing. I'm not depressed, I'm just confused. Its too analytical though. I'm tempted to just scrap it and start over, but that would defeat the point of this page. Meh, as I so succingly put it: "fuck it, this is ME."

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10-10-02

Java is a harsh mistress. Was up until 3:30 debugging that damn program, and I'm still not entirely certain it works right, but meh. Did well on my last test, won't find out about my Calc3 and Phil tests until next week. Made a 70 on my CPL test. Not nearly as well as I'd hoped, but at least I passed, which is better than any test last year. That class makes me feel very very stupid. I NEED to get an A. Hopefully I can. Meh. I'm very apathetic at the moment, prolly because I got about 3 hours of sleep. The way I see it, I've earned a nap. Good Charlotte=Enjoyable. Its very freaky to have your dad come in and borrow "as much as you can spare." Food for thought.

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10-08-02

I think I did well. By well, I mean better than last year. By that, I mean I think I made better than the 49 I made on the first test last year. Yeah, I know, not exactly setting my sights real high, huh? Anyhoo, I'm 3/5ths done with the crazyness that is this week. Three tests down, one test to go, and one project due. Both of the latter are in my data structures class Thursday, so I've got a lil time. Spent the majority of this evening trying to relearn Java for the program. Its coming along alright, just not nearly as far as I'd like to be. Oh well, I have the toughest part written. I'm sorry I don't have anything deep to talk about here, it seems like I've had an outlet to friends recently, and its sort of draining my desire to bitch about stuff on here. This is a good thing, hands down. I'd rather talk to a real person anyday. Speaking of that, I'd like to just thank the people who put up with me for doing so. You are mad spiffy. All y'all. I'm not sure I tell you that enough, and chances are, if you're reading this right now, I'm just grateful that you're part of my life.
Ever wonder where your bags go on those airline trips? Also check this out. Anyhoo, music recommendation: The Notwist - Neon Golden CD. Got the rest of that cd last night and thanks goes out to Rocky for recomending it. I like it a LOT. Think it sounds similar to a mellower, punkier Dirty Vegas. Kathrin isn't real crazy about them, but she listens to Toto, so I'm not overly concerned :)

Still been thinking about church a lot, deciding what to do. I've recieved offers from Tyler and Kathrin both to take me to church here in town thats a lot more subdued. I think that might be a good idea, because I still feel curious about religion and that it might be what I'm looking for. I may have mentioned this, but it just feels like I'm looking for something, and I'm not sure what. Its partially motivation, partially companionship, partially PURPOSE. I dunno, it definately can't hurt to try. I think I'd like it a lot if Becca knew of a more subdued church as well. I just know I can't handle watching people cry and dance in the aisles for my first/second church experience since I turned 10. I still don't entirely know why I'm motivated to go. I remember very strongly sitting there in the ORU church wondering what on earth I was doing there. Ok, time to go program.

Oh, and lets catch THIS ASSHAT. The world is a screwed up place sometimes.

Panic. I'm totally panicking. I don't know CPL as well as I should for the test in six hours, and I still have the data structures test and programming assignment due on Thursday. AHHHHHH. My computer is a horrible horrible distraction. I still haven't started on the programming project, and I've heard stories from friends that it took six hours to debug. Thats not writing the code, thats merely the time spent fixing the code to make it work once its written. I'm scared, I don't want to get SO close to cybercore and then fuck it all up.

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10-07-02

Wow. OK. Whooo. What a couple days. Lets see... I studied for three of my four tests, took two today, had a philosophy discussion until 3am sunday morning with a friend from work, went to a party friday night, and church Sunday evening, worked two shifts, and had some of the most fun I've had in my life just hanging out with this girl. Yeah, that sums the majority of it up. I'm tired as all get out. Woke up at 8:30 (well, after hitting snooze three times, 9) this morning and studied all morning, and just got home from class. I need to really get my study on for my test at 8 am tomorrow that I'm really worried about. Meh, this is all just relating my day. You want to hear the juicy stuff, right? Well, good, cause that's what I want to talk about.
Becca. She took me to church Sunday night, at my request. Not quite what I expected. We went to an ORU student church which struck me more as a tent revival than anything else. But I digress. I was uncomfortable from the moment I went in. It was an entirely new experience for me. A bit more than I expected, or really wanted. To be honest, the level of devotion from a lot of those kids really scared me, and a lot of the way that some of the Chaplains spoke really scared me. I need a more mild version of church, to kind of accept it first, cause that really freaked me out. But I dunno, it weirded me out, cause afterward last night and all day today I've been trying very hard to watch my profanity and other bad habits. Hmmm. We'll see. We need to start a betting pool on whether or not Zach can clean up his act. So, at the first chance I got, I was ready to bail from church. Becca asked me if I was leaving, and I said most definately, and turned around and bailed. She followed me out. Walked with me to my car. Got in my car. We started talking. She followed me out to my car! That was very cool. I wasn't expecting that. I started talking to her, and she decided last night that she wasn't going to keep me at arms length anymore, and I really like the person that I was hanging out with last night. Actually been thinking about last night all day, well, during the times when I wasn't actively taking tests. It was definately very interesting. I dunno, I just really enjoyed talking to Becca last night. I really enjoyed chasing Becca around Wal-mart. I really enjoyed sneaking onto the patio at Zios after it was closed and chilling there with her and the Nordaggios coffee that we just bought. She's something special. I might have bombed my Calc 3 test today because of last night, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.
I also wound up talking to Maria until 3:30 sunday morning. She came over after work to just chill for a while and we wound up discussing life and philosophy for almost five hours. That was also a very unique experience, because we were able to totally see into the other persons head, and even explain things to each other that we couldn't figure out on our own. I gave her advice on her boyfriend, and she gave me advice and new perspectives on what I'm looking for in women. Its a distinct possibility that the things she told me that made perfect sense and how much fun I had with Becca are very definately related. Anyhoo, it was really interesting, because I took something out of it. Its reasonably rare that I take something out of a conversation. I love to have people around who I can talk to. WOW. SOOOOO much running through Zach's head at the moment. Its weird too, because I'm completely exhausted, I was falling asleep during my philosophy midterm, and bone tired in stat, but my mind is running SO clearly. I was shouting out answers during stat to things like 12.5 times 15. I did that in my head. I was reasonably proud of myself, because I'm not sure how on earth I'm still THINKING. I'm going to try and grab a couple hour nap before I study for the rest of tonight. Ugggg. Oh well, that's life.

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10-04-02

I found myself having an extremely hard time asking Becca to take me to church with her tonight. It was far easier to ask Eleanor, some girl I barely know, to come have dinner with me than it was to ask a friend to take me to church with her. I dunno, I'm just nervous, I guess. Hopefully I'll take something out of it.

The Filter tour has been cancelled, the singer is in rehab. Damn. Hope he gets better, so that they can COME BACK and I can see one of my all-time favorite bands live, cause I've never seen them. Its such an awesome feeling to see a band that you already like live. Knowing the words, knowing the beats, just knowing whats coming and just sitting back and enjoying the music flowing through you is just awesome. Yeah, music. Music is always a chief topic for me, cause I'm always finding new stuff to listen to, and digging out older stuff to appreciate in a new way. The past few days have seen me really in a "punk" mood, with a lot of Blink 182 type stuff. Although I do want to highly recommend a song. Remember the band The Notwist, that Rocky recommended? Yeah, they're awesome, and I've been listening to one song in particular a lot, its called "Pick Up The Phone" and I suggest you give it a listen. Alrighty, its late, I'm tired, and I still need to study. Really need to get caught up, because I want to be able to go to Derrick and Dustin's party tomorrow night. They haven't thrown one in a long time and I always had an awesome time at their parties this summer. Oh, and I want to say hi to a few people who I gave links to this site to. It always makes me nervous when someone reads this, cause I wonder what they'll think of it/me. Meh, I trust them both to not disown me, hopefully. Its just me.

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10-03-02

So, uhhh, gas leak. Right. I'm sitting in class and this guy comes in "we hit a gas line, we're evacuating the building." So, we step out of the classroom into the main building, and it REEKS of gas. So, we all go outside, and fairly quickly someone chases all of us to the other side of the street. So, since my only class after the one was I was just in is in the same building, immediately following. I was pleased, because I got to come home. Now it's naptime.
Oh, one last thing, got some good news today. Crunched the numbers on my grades for sure, and I need to make 4 A's and 2 B's in my six classes to get my scholarships, which means I'd only need to raise about two grand a semester, and that would be GRAVY. Also, talked to Dr. Shenoi, the department head, asked him about Cybercore (the partnership with the NSA where they pay for the last two years of school, room and board, and give you a stipend, in return you work for them for two years). He aske dme about my GPA, and its about 3. He told me that if I got a 4.0 or as close as I could to that this semester, I'd almost definately make it. W00t. I would get to live on campus AND not work. HELL YEAH. I need a nap to celebrate. :D

I'm depressed because I have way too much on my mind that confuses me, basically because I let myself. I've decided that I need to figure out what I'm doing with my life, what and who I want in a girl, what I'm going to do as far as finances go, religion, and even what I'm doing with my job, all at once. That's not smart. None of those things have to be dealt with right now. I worry about my mother being sick, what other people think of me, school, money, and even things in my past. It doesn't help to worry about these things. Every now and then everyone needs to be told to just shut the fuck up and deal with it. This includes me. I have a strong tendency to think about shit I shouldn't think about it, and I wallow in it instead of dealing with it. This is not smart. This is not healthy. Block it out, push on through. I'm a man, I can do this, right? I know I can, I'm not concerned with the majority of the stuff that is under my control, because I know that even if I fuck up, I can fix it. But I still let myself worry about it, and I dump it on others. Its not cool. Its not SMART. No wonder I chase away the people close to me, they get fed up with me whining. I can even whine when I don't intend to whine. Its scary that its almost becoming "expected" of me. Case in point: the comment about the cookies in the forums.... "broken promises" was a JOKE to give shit to Kathrin because she didn't follow through on the cookies. I meant nothing by it, and I apologize.
We all have shit to worry about, we all have things that are important to us. I'm going to stop whining for a while and start listening. Have something to say about life? Hit up the forums. Or, if you would prefer a lil privacy, say hi on AIM. I'm sure all y'all have my screen name, how else would you be reading this? Sorry, I just realized I was becoming a creepy. I like to have fun, I like to do stupid things, laugh at stupid things. I need to go do this. I'm beginning to think that this website is a very bad idea. It has become a crutch for me. I think about all the random things that happen to me in a day or whatever and concentrate on the worst because they are easy for me to talk about. Its easy for me to take something on my mind and expound. This causes me to take valuable time away from things I SHOULD be doing, and should be thinking about. I was supposed to study tonight, and instead I spent a lot of time working on this site and thinking about a girl. This is pointless. I'm going to get my ass kicked here, its time to buckle down and take care of it. Yet I'm still sitting here writing. Its fucking 2:30 in the morning, and I need to wake up at 6:30 for my 8am class. Look at this, I'm bitching again. Screw it, its time for me to take control of my life. Stop overanalyzing everything and just do what I'm good at. I'm happy at work because I have something occupying my thoughts all the time. I need to figure out to apply that to my homework and study habits. I've found myself almost wanting people's pity here. I'm not sure why AT ALL. I sure as hell don't want to be around people I pity, I want to be around people I respect. I don't spend time with or even talk to people if I don't respect them. That realization really bothered me. I'm tired of being confused, I'm tired of worrying. Time to go fix this. It might be a gradual process, but I'm going to do it. I refuse to turn into the creepy guy that everyone knows but noone talks about. I'm going to be the creepy guy with the trophy wife who owns half of the state of Washington. Heh.

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10-02-02

Wow, redesign time. Busy guy, gotta go study, but poke around, enjoy the site. Oh, and enoy the new forums. I encourage everyone reading this to put a post up on ANYTHING to get them started. I'm out.

Ok, I guess I do look foolish in my raver shades, Renee confirmed it for me tonight, but I don't really care, they're unique, and thats the important thing. I'm somewhat of a unique guy. I suppose that's just the PC way of saying fucked up, but meh. Semantics. I've decided to make Kathrin enjoy Filter, so I can have some company to the concert in OKC later this month. I feel somewhat like a proud father, saying "here, gaze upon my child in wonder, how can you not love it?" It just feels cool to watch a band you "found" blow up. At the same time though, its really frustrating. I kind of wish POD hadn't gotten big, so I could still go see them at Cain's ballroom for $20. Same with Linkin Park. Too big. Prohibitively big. I'm very very glad that they are making money now, and have fame. Good for them, its just both frustrating and rewarding. I know they wouldn't be big now if they didn't have an early fan support (me). So, its cool. Definately better than them not getting recognition and fading away before they even record their best music. Life is tradeoffs.

10-01-02

Wow, I'm wound up, and in an awesome mood, and I have no idea why. I need to get my winsdshield replaced, and in the next two weeks I have 4 tests and one project due. Ug. However, I've decided to get a monkey, which I think will work out in the long term. Anyone that pisses me off....
Me: Bobo....come here.
Bobo: *scratches himself
Me: Are you sure you want to keep pissing me off, random guy #1?
Random guy #1: Damn skippy.
Me: OK. Bobo....throw some feces!!!!!
Bobo: *scratches self
Or something like that. We'll work it out, give me time! Alrighty, I've got to get ready and head in to work. Although I do want to get a picture of me in my new raver shades. I'm sure I look very stupid, but I feel.... FLY. I'll see what I can do about that. Oh, and, this is me. One last thing, I feel I must confess a sin to y'all. I've been listening to the first Limp Bizkit album. I know, I'm sorry, and please find it in your hearts to forgive me, but its good! Ok, I'll go now. One MORE last thing, congrats to Kathrin's mom, she is now officially engaged. Mad props.