9-30-02

Ug. Either I need work on this whole "dating" thing, or something was up. Picked her up, took her to dinner. Wouldn't barely talk to me. If she asked me something, it was the same quesiton I had just asked her. It was really really sad. So, after dinner, has to be back in less than two hours. Scratches movie idea. Pool? She doesn't play, or want to play. We're both under 21, she doesn't want to play pool or see a movie, and its the first date and she won't barely talk to me, so a walk is out. We try "funhouse." Play a little air hockey, I cream her without trying. Okay, something else. We try playing some Jurassic Park game. She's bored out of her mind, it appears. They have a pool table, I convince her to play me, and she's absolutely horrid. Ok, I ask her what do you do for fun, what's important to you? "I hate quesitons like that. I like to hang out with my friends." That's it? "well, we go to the dollar theatre, we go bowling, go to the park, stuff like that." Ok, so what's important to you, what do you like to do? "I like to chill with my friends." Ok, what if you're just kicking it alone in your room, what do you do to entertain yourself? "Usually I call my friends. Or Take a nap." UGGGGG. I mean, for Christs sake, there was more awkward silence than I think I've ever seen. The only time when we had an actual conversation was about religion, and that was still brief, because she had been "warned" by Nicole, and I was "hardheaded." This whole dating thing is a bag of ass. I want some girl to just walk up to me who's intelligent and attractive, and just be like "be with me." I think that would work just fine. Maybe on some alternate universe I'll meet a girl who's intelligent and attractive who isn't already taken. Then by some fluke of luck she'll go out with me. Then by some freaky strange coincidence she'll like me. Yeah, I see this happening. Heh. Fuck it.

My philosophy teacher went off on a rant today about being very strongly anti-technology. Even called some applications sinful, and insulted some of my classmates when they questioned him on it. So, naturally, being the egotistical asshole I am, I called him on it. Totally blew his arguments out of the water, I thought, and made my points well. However, he took what I said, made jokes about it, and then proceeded to give very long winded responses. So, I have no clue. We needed a referee. I thought I made convincing points, and thought I had made sense, but noone in class got my back, and even this middle aged woman proceeded to call me extreme. I guess I am, but I didn't think I was sounding that way. I dunno, it really doesn't matter what they think of me, I just enjoyed having the ability to debate something that was important to me. It just struck me that he seemed afriad of anything he didn't grow up on. He was of the belief that technology could destroy the world, and I see it as a way of uniting the world. He also believed that eliminating all suffering, which is one of the ultimate points of technology, made us less human. Also adding technology to us, to our bodies, made us less human, was a "sinful" thing to do. Needless to say, I jumped up and argued bitterly. Oh well, we're both hard headed enough that we didn't convince the other person at all. Such is life.

Soon there might be a second writer added to the site, because I've heard some people wish to add things to my rants. I might just add a forums, I'm not sure what's happening yet, I just know it would be a good idea to have multiple viewpoints. Have just one last thing for tonight... I dropped my entire music directory into winamp to see if it would generate one massive playlist. Lo and behold, it did. I now have a playlist that is over 2400 tracks, mostly alphabetical, but its done by folders, so some isn't. Check it out if you'd like. Just remember, that just because its there, doesn't mean I listen to it. This has been compiled over several years, and some of it is my little sisters or some girls that have been on my comp. As it is, I'm done for the night. I'm gonna take my thoroughly confused ass to bed.

9-29-02

Current Winamp Playlist
Werd. Good day, I think. Slow morning at work, but its ok, had me some fun, got a phone number, going to take her out tomorrow night. Also was invited to both OU and KU by friends in the past 24 hours. I'm feeling loved. Have to find the time to go though, but that's no biggie. I've decided to start something new... posting my winamp playlist every now and then. You'll see the link immediately above this update. Just wanted to take a quick break from studying for stat, I gotta go back now...(*shudders). Oh, and no more cookie promises, this could get expensive.

Why the bloody fucking hell does my computer keep freezing? This is driving me up a fucking wall. I had a huge update typed out and my computer froze for the third fucking time TODAY. Anyhoo, let me see if I can resume and retype.
I'm concerned about my nephew, but I'm also very proud of him. He's only 17, but he has already committed to the Marines. I'm very very proud of him having the courage to do that especially in the unsure shape our country is in. There is a very good chance he will be called into service sometime during his lifetime, and I'm sure he knows this. I know its something I couldn't do. I couldnt put my life in anothers hands, I couldn't go out everyday knowing I could die and not really knowing what I was fighting for. I know I have the capability to defend my life or the life on someone who is close to me, I'm fiercely loyal to a fault. However, I have no desire whatsoever to put myself in a position to do that on a frequent basis. That right there is the reason I respect him so much, because I know he has more courage than I ever will. I'm also very jealous of the fact that he has a plan, he knows exactly what he wants to do with his life. I have no clue anymore, I'm confused and scared off of my ass. I used to love to do ANYTHING on the computer, and now its a chore. I didn't even install java until a few days ago, and still haven't used it. I have a huge programming assignment due October 10th, and no desire at all to do it. I don't have much of a desire to do anything anymore. I go to school because I'm afraid of flunking out, and that's about it. I go to work so I can have money to continue to LIVE. The only thing I want to do is hang out with a select few friends, and due to the other things, I never have enough time to do even that. See, the thing is, I'm not entirely sure why I'm afraid of losing my scholarship at TU. There is no doubt in my mind I could get into another school, I'm smart enough to cut it, I know this. See, I know TU has an awesome computer science program, and I'm not even one of the best students there. I didn't transfer to OU before this semester because I enjoyed Zios and because of the opportunities at TU. Well, I'm thinking very seriously about quitting zios, and the only opportunity really available to me at TU was the NSA pertnership. Basically, if you have good enough grades (which I don't) by the end of your sophomore year, you can sign a contract to go work for the NSA for two years after you graduate. In return, they pay for everything for your junior and senior year, down to room and board, and even provide you a stipend. That's SPIFFY. However, since I'm fighting to just keep a 3.25, I know I won't qualify for the program. So, naturally, that prompts the question, Why TU? I honestly have no clue. I can't afford to live on campus so I miss out on the college environment. I don't have many friends there due to that, since I go to class then go home, cause I don't have time to do anything otherwise. I'm already almost six grand in debt, and I've payed at least another six out of my own pocket just to go there for the semester and a half that I have. I dunno what to do here. I'm scared, cause life just doesn't make a whole lot of sense right now.

I also noticed that the attraction wasn't there with Kathrin. Its weird, cause I hadn't seen her in a month, and I still had a huge desire to wrap her up in my arms, and I genuinely enjoyed her company, but I wasn't attracted to her the way I used to be. That really surprised me. I mean, I know this girl means the world to me, she knows more about me than I think any other person alive. I'm just very very confused. I think she'll be happy, she only wanted a friendship, and I think that's all I want now too, but I have no idea why. I mean, this is a good thing, right? Actually, I do have one idea why, which just came to me, and its because she's interested in some other guy. I mean, it breaks my heart, but its good, cause she's happy, I guess the only thing that really concerned me was that if she fell for some guy, that I wouldn't have a place in her life. I still wanted to wrap her up in my arms, but I think its just because right now I'm really craving a feeling of security. That and the fact that its been a year since I've had a girl in my arms who wanted me the same way I did them. Plus she is just damn attractive. Heh.

I'm hunting for something, I can feel it. I'm looking for something. I keep coming back to religion. Probably its because I know a lot of people who are constantly telling me I should magically have faith. Sorry, doesn't work that way. But I feel like there might be something there for me. I'm totally unsure of how to go about pursuing that. Somehow I doubt that spending two hours a week listening to some preacher tell me to live a good life will do a lot for me. What I need is something to believe in. Hell, what I want is for someone to tell me what to do with my life and for me to just do it. Freedom is a harsh mistress. I'm not sure why I keep thinking about religion. Probably has a lot to do with the fact that Becca constantly has said something to me that is on my mind. Could be the fact that all the people that I like to hang around have religion in their lives in some form. It seems to make them moral people.

It just felt damn good to spend the day with someone I knew who cared about me, regardless of the capacity. I was genuinely happy today. Hopefully she was too. I spent way too much money, and due to that I'll be putting off getting season two of Buffy for a while, but it was totally worth it. We just hung out and watched a few movies tonight, changing lanes, which sucked, and We Were Soldiers, which ruled. I did enjoy the fair though. I mean, I have no desire to go back, but the roller coaster was a blast, and since all the rides sucked, we gave our extra tickets to this guy with his kids. I just really wish I would have heard back from all the other people who were supposed to meet us there. What a beast of an update, eh? Yeah, it sucks, sorry to subject y'all to it. You get a cookie if you managed to read this far.

9-28-02

The fair was rather blah, very rednecky. Had fun on a roller coaster, got me some 80's shades, and harassed Kathrin about her school of choice (OU, can you blame me?) Had fun though, even though noone returned my phone calls. Gonna kick it here for a while then go out and have me some fun with Kathrin. Not much to say, go have a fun. Oh, and Rocky, who I don't talk to much anymore, but who's website I read, mentioned to listen to a band called "The Notwist." I took his advice, and I'm fairly impressed. Its very mellow, but good stuff. Check em out. Oh, and Kat sucks, cause she won't type anything.

Wow. Been a while. Sorry, I've been VERY busy. Got turned down by Zios as far as the training went, and then got berated by the General Manager, so I'm job hunting, not sure what I'm going to do yet. Had a lot of homework, and a test I can and need to ace on Monday, so I need to go study for that. Computer Assembler is a pain in the ass, the last homework set took me three hours and I still didnt finish it. I'm going to the fair with Kathrin tomorrow, I'm really happy about that. The last time I went to the fair it was with my ex-girlfriend and she was pissed off at me the entire time (I don't remember about what) and so we didnt do any rides or anything, so I'm gonna have me some fun. Tyler gave me his number and so did Misty, both of them will be with groups there tomorrow, so we might wind up in a huge group of us, that would be a blast, I could pretend I have friends, and much fun will be had by all. Jackie came back to work tonight, hadn't seen her in at least three weeks, mebbe more, and boy does she have a thing for me. It really sucks too, the one girl I know for a fact is interested in me is gratingly annoying. Ah well, such is life. She has a good heart, just doesn't have any clue when to shut up. I found myself cleaning my room up for Kathrin to come. Not entirely sure why, somehow I doubt she'll run away if I have clothes on the floor, nor do I think she'll be wowed by my skills at cleanliness. Its funny the things we do sometimes. Yeah, very very random update, just a lot on my mind. I'm off to enjoy some Buffy on DVD, only toy I've bought myself in over a month, and damn it was so worth it. I only bought season one, to see if I'd enjoy it, and I'm quite addicted. As soon as I can afford it, I'll own season two. Yeah yeah, make fun of me if you want, I enjoy the show. And Sarah Michelle Gellar. I enjoy her too.

9-24-02

Ow. It hurts everywhere. I need sleep. I'm bleeding, I'm sore, my pants have a huge ass hole in them, I smell funky, and I have $81 more in my pocket than I did 8 hours ago. Another night of work. Heh. I need sleep, I'll just leave you with this note I confiscated from Maria tonight:

Mental note:
Remember to kick Zach's ass.

Well, this is my second crack at updating, the first time I had it all ready to go, was about to save it, and my computer crashed. Fuck you, computah machine. Anyhoo, lemme try and remember the gist of it.
I'm feeling damn sexy today. Got my hair cut, shaved my peach fuzz, bleached and ironed all my work clothes, just got it all flowing today, and I'd like to think I look rather spiffy. Prolly don't look a bit different from normal, with the exception of the hair, but hey, its confidence that counts. I've decided I'm going to get a girls number tonight. Not just any girls, a girl I want to date. That should be tough enough to keep me entertained tonight, cause Zios isn't exactly intellectually stimulating. Speaking of Zios, I'm going to head in early to get myself a Southwestern Chicken Pasta. Best fucking dish I think i've ever had. I mean, this is just GRAVY. Extremely horrible for me, our alfredo sauce is liquid fat, but I don't care, its ecstacy in a bowl. Been listening to lot of slower, punkier type music recently. Jimmy Eat World, All-American Rejects, Box Car Racer (MUCH better than Blink 182), Filter, even a lil Good Charlotte. I've been really enjoying it too. I used to just listen to music to bang my head, and I can still do it, to some of this, but this has some meaning, and some emotion to it, and I think I may have mentioned once or twice that I love that. Not much else up, time for me to go clog my arteries.

9-23-02

Jason Mewes is missing. I hope he's alright. He was Jay of "Jay and Silent Bob" in Kevin Smith's 5 movies. That's a real bummer, guy had some drug issues, everyone knew that, I just wasn't aware he had graduated to heroin. Really bothers me, cause he brought a lot of joy to my life over the years. What really bothers me is that he disappeared 10 months ago and I'm just now hearing about it. I feel like I should have known the day after he didn't show for his court date, I mean the guy is a celebrity, right? Oh, well.

Have the night off, gonna relax and have some fun. I got 14 hours of sleep last night. Yeah, surprised me too. I feel great, I actually have energy! Mebbe I'll work out tonight, I've lost enough weight its time to get in shape. I've dropped 35plus pounds so far, I'm not sure I should weight less than 160 (which I do now). I mean, I AM a man. Or, at least I like to think so. I was given a link from Fark to the definition of "I love you" on google. I thought it was fucking hilarious: "Something that is good to tell your friend if you want oral sex from him/her." If you don't believe me, check it out here. One last link, Penny Arcade's new comic sheds a little light on the old PC vs. Console debate, I thought it was pretty funny, check it out here. Ahhh, I don't know what to do, I have energy AND I'm in a good mood! Wow. I feel so young! Heh, I'm off to capitalize on that, and I'll let you all in on my current internal monologue....
What are we doing tonight Brain?
Same thing we do every night, Pinky....
TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD.

9-22-02

Fuck. I'm not in a very good mood. I'm not pleased with my station in life. I think it might be time for some changes, I'm just not sure what they would be. Mebbe its time I moved on from Zios. I'll find out in less than a week if I made trainer, and after over a year and the fact that I know more about the job than a lot of other people there, I better have. If I did, I'm definately going to stick around, because it means the opportunity to make more money and get more respect. Otherwise, I'll never make trainer, so I might as well just quit, because that means that the ceiling for me at that job will be a waiter and no higher. How pathetic would that be? I dunno, I just know I need change. Mebbe changing the one thing that makes me the happiest isn't such a bright idea, but who knows. Definately not me. I feel stagnated. Its like I'm not doing anything. I know I'm in school, and I know I need to have awesome grades to come back, and that's something to work for, but that's such a long term goal. I just feel like there isn't anything to look forward to, you know? I've always had something to look forward to, to work for. Some girl I'm chasing, some cd or movie I'm looking forward to seeing, or some friend I'm looking forward to seeing. I sort of have a CD i'm looking forward to, but I downloaded all but two songs a week ago, so not really. No movies in the near future look cool. Hopefully I'm going to play some pool with some friends tomorrow night, that will be cool. I am also really looking forward to seeing Kathrin in a week, she still means a lot to me, but I'm not sure about whats up after that. For the first time in a long time, I don't even have any prospects as far as dating. I've always had one or three spare numbers in the back pocket, but I don't even have that. The girl I've been talking to on and off the past few weeks didn't call me back from when I called her Friday, so I doubt she will. I dunno why I type this, I must seem like the most depressed person ever. I might be if I didnt have the friends I do, but I do, so I'm not depressed. I have no idea why on earth I let all y'all read this anyway. The only people that read it are my friends anyway, hopefully I don't scare them off. Meh, fuck it, I'm not sure why what other people think of me matters to me anyway, but my friends opinions do matter, I guess its they have earned the right in my mind or something.

You know, it feels good to write what Is on my mind, regardless of the connotation or the significance. I like writing. Never had before in my life, I wonder why I do now. Its not like I'm writing anything of importance, its just me bitching about being a teenager. I guess I'll come back to that later. You know that IQ test I linked to a few days ago? It told me my mental type was that of a "visionary philosopher." I guess that makes sense, cause I always try to see how things make sense, and my dad even has a BA in Philosophy. I suppose thats why I write like I do, I'm trying to make everything make sense. I suppose that's something of a lost cause, it might be rather tough to figure out everything. There are many many things I've run into in my short lifetime that haven't made a lick of sense. Including me. Becca has made me think a lot lately. She has a tendency to say things that stick with me. *Disclaimer time: I'm not interested in dating this girl, even if I was, she wouldnt have me, she's another girl that told me she wouldn't date me because I'm not christian enough. However, I do genuinely enjoy her company, because of the way I can talk to her and the responses I get. Anyway, the other day she told me something that I've kind of pondered on and off. I know her final goal is to convert me to Christianity, although she's way too subtle to come out and say it. But she sees me and the way I react to certain things, and almost always has something to say, even though its pretty much never what I want to hear. The other day I came in from waiting on this cute girl on the patio who was sitting outside discussing the bible with her friends. I asked her, why are all the cute girls christian, and her responce to me: "they're cute because they're Christian." (I can never remember whether or not to capitalize Christian.) The sad thing is, I think she may have something there, because I look for purity (for lack of a better word) in the girls I chase. However, the main thing I wanted to talk about though with her was something she mentioned to me when I played some All-American Rejects for her. We listened to the lyrics and a lot of what was talked about was lost love. I told her that I thought that was extremely cool, because of the way that the singer was able to express his emotions and put feeling into the song, which is something I wish I could do. Thats probably one of the main reasons I write this blog, having some slim hope that someday someone will come along and tell me that "thats just beautiful, man." Coming back on topic (again), her response was that that is precisely why it can be dangerous, because if you dwell on something, soon it becomes all you can think about. She may be on to something there, but I think it goes both ways. If you can't express the things that are important to you, it eats you up inside, and you crave a release. Everyone needs a way to deal with the things inside of them, and I don't see how it can be harmful to talk/write/sing about them. It might be dangerous to act on them, depending on the situation, but how can it possibly be harmful to express something? Then I stopped, and I began to think. Can it be harmful? If you begin to obsess on something, it begins to take charge of you, I've seen it before. If there is nothing else to fill your time, you can dwell on the things that make you unhappy. I suppose, just like with everything, there needs to be a balance. I know thats not a good answer, or a helpful answer, but its all I can come up with. There is danger on both sides. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. I wonder where happiness lies. One thing I think ought to be mentioned is that the people that are the best at expressing things to the world seem to end up the unhappiest. People like Kirt Cobain, Layne Staley, even classical figures like Van Gogh and Mozart. The ones who make the biggest mark are almost always the ones who have some serious issues. Now, granted, I have some serious issues, but I have no desire to make a big mark. All I really want is happiness, and finding the path to that happiness. I guess that's what seperates me from the greats. I'm alright with that though, I'd much rather be happy. Just the thing is, I'm having a hard time finding that happiness. It seems to be inversely proportional to being alone. I can think of many many times in my life when I have been genuinely happy, and pretty much all of them have been me just chilling with friend(s) and shooting the shit. Sitting on Kathrin's floor talking to her. I was genuinely happy. Sharing a piece of pie over a religious discussion with Becca. I was genuinely happy. Playing gamecube for hours on end with my old friends. I was genuinely happy, at first. I wonder where true happiness lies. I wonder if I'll ever have an update stay on topic. Meh, it took me about an hour to write this, and thats pretty much all thats crossed my mind for that hour, and thats all I really wanted. Alrighty, I need to go do some homework.

9-20-02

Well, looks like I'm staying in tonight. I had three possible sets of plans, and they all fell through. (Hope you feel better, Matt). So, me thinks I'll kick it here, watch a movie, do some homework. Just threw on "The Hunt For Red October." Damn good movie, haven't watched it in long enough that I've forgotten the majority of it. Just wanted to shout out one last thing: Regardless of what I type here and my apparent mood, I actually am very happy. This is just a place to talk about anything that's on my mind. So, its ok, I'm happy. Don't worry. I just think too much for my own good. Heh. Anyhoo, wound up calling and talking to my old manager from Uno's. Hadn't spoken to her in about a year, and she and her mother were the reason I stayed there for two years, and their firings were the reason I quit a year ago. We hadn't talked in a while, nearly a year, and it was good to hear her voice. I miss the time I spent with them, it was like another family. I'm not sure why, but I've been thinking about the time in my life a lot recently. The picture of myself and Brandi reminded me of how much fun I had back then. Its kind of frustrating to admit that sometimes a chapter in your life has to close. Oh, well, its a new chapter, and I'm writing it.

Heh, I think I'd be happier if I was Christian. "I would date you, but you don't love Jesus." Nicole at work gave me that line tonight, out of the blue. You know, ironically enough, tonight wasn't the first time I had heard that line, and I'm really tired of it. You see, the thing is, I genuinely enjoy the company of Christian people, usually, simply because of their moral code and outlook on a lot of life. Granted, I could never say "oh, I'll rely on god to fix that for me," but there is a lot about that type of person I really enjoy. I just had dinner (well, precisely- Pie) with Becca, a friend of mine from work, and an ORU student. She's one of the most Christian people I've ever met, and in several ways its what I value about spending time with her. I know I can trust her. The fear of a higher power makes people extremely moral, and I don't like not being able to trust people. I've been hurt too many times by people I thought I could trust, perhaps that's why I enjoy her company so much. But I digress, it just seems like I would be a happier person if I could just put my fate in someone else's hands. I can't do that. I refuse to believe I don't control what happens to me. One thing that I think that would make me much happier would be the KNOWLEDGE that if I died, there was a heaven waiting for me. I don't have that KNOWLEDGE. I have a hope, and that's about it. Hence, I'm very afraid of death. Scares me more than anything. I know I'm a good person, but do I play by God's rules? I have no clue. Maybe on this one it might be in my best interests to run with the masses, too bad I can't do that. I have a very hard time accepting ANYTHING just because someone else tells me to. I need to see it or feel it to accept it. I'm not sure how to go about doing that. A few people have made an effort to show me Christianity over the years, but I have a hard time reading a book and then just deciding that it all must be true, so I should live my life by it. I realize that's a bit of an overstatement, but for the purposes of my argument, it works. I just don't understand how you can just ACCEPT something. I know its faith, but where does faith come from? I guess that's the thing that I don't understand. I wish I could. Becca told me something tonight that kind of struck a chord.... "the reason people are surprised you aren't Christian is because you're such a nice guy." I'm not entirely sure how to interpret that, I'll just take it as a compliment. Ah well, enough on that topic.

A couple things of note, tried to apologize to Brandi tonight for ignoring her the last time i saw her. I dunno, it just came out all weird, I wonder if I'll ever be able to talk to her the way I used to. Ah well, at least I'm not head over heels crazy about her anymore, I'd just like to be able to talk to her every now and then. Ah well, the bridges I've unintentionally burned.
Lets end this on a happier note: I'm smarter than you. Hehe, the gauntlet has been thrown dowm, prove me wrong. I took that online IQ test this afternoon, only scored a 138, but I'm still wondering if any of y'all can beat that.

9-18-02

Well, not a whole lot up today. I finished up the me page, lemme know what you think. My cat won't leave me alone, I prolly should pay it some attention. I'm checking out the newTwilight Zone premiere on UPN right now, it looks somewhat interesting, I'll let you know. I was quite surprised last night, the girl who left her number on my table called me back. That's the second time I've talked to her, and she seems really cool. I'll hopefully take her out sometime next week, but she's as busy as I am, so we'll see. Maybe I'll sick some ninjas on her to give me some time :)
Alrighty, the first episode of the twilight zone was kind of iffy, not scary at all. I'm not very impressed. However, my nerdy ass was VERY impressed with was the new Star trek movie, Nemesis. I'm really looking forward to it. On the whole "star" theme, I'm Yoda, I'm a soldia and you should click that link.

Go listen to some "All-American Rejects," you'll enjoy it. One last thing: I want to thank a good friend of mine for putting up with me last night, I know I wouldnt be as at peace with myself without you, so this is my little shout out to you... you know who you are. I think i'm going to go eat. Peace.

9-17-02

Question time: Why do the girls I like push me away and the girls I don't really care about fall for me?
Ok, we're going to take a brutally honest discussion of this, and mebbe I'll figure it out along with you guys, cause that's damn sure something I want to know. Only a couple of times in my life (three times) have I fallen for a girl, and all three of those times they were girls that I couldnt have. I'm not entirely sure why this is, maybe I have some sort of subconscious desire for a challenge. Maybe I'm just too afraid of anything that comes easy. Maybe its because I don't know how to stop myself from falling for someone I can't have. Maybe (probably) its a combination of all those. Now, why do girls I don't care about fall for me? I think its a couple things... and this is based basically just from experience at work, and somewhat from school. I think its because I'm naturally a flirty guy, i'll flirt with you even if I'm not interested, I don't know exactly why, I think its just my personality. Naturally, when I, or anyone, flirt with a girl, they have one of two responses....
1. Make this creepy ass nerd go away.
2. Aww, he seems nice and pathetic, I'll check him out.
For some strange reason, especially since I lost 35 pounds, more often than not I fall into the second category. Whoever says appearance doesn't mean anything is full of shit. And now, these girls are curious about me, and want to see more of me, and I appear to be a genuinely nice guy (which I like to think I am). This is both a good thing and a bad thing, being a nice guy. Being a nice guy means I can't just bring some girl home for one night. Just can't do it. I'm not entirely sure why I can't, I just know I can't. It makes me more appealing to a lot of them, because they see that I can't do that, and one thing a lot of girls want, even though they say they don't, is a relationship. So, now, this girl sees a relationship with a nice guy right in front of her, and I havent even done anything except talk to her. So, now this girl is intrgigued, and since I have no idea that she's intrigued, I continue to flirt, but never ask her out, never really dawning on me what it is that I'm doing. So, essentially, in her eyes, I'm playing hard to get, so she is forced to let me know she's interested, through one of several ways. This has happened to me a lot recently, having girls out of the blue ask me for my number or to come do something with just them. Once I realize whats up, I generally try not to flirt anymore if I'm not interested, which I rarely am, because I'm a picky bastard. It takes a lot for me to find a girl that I think is worthwhile. Has to meet a lot of criteria, most importantly being intelligence. The thing is, when I run across a girl who I AM interested in, I'm not sure what on earth to do with myself. I can almost always make some sort of move, asking them out of letting them know i'm interested or whatever, but then what do I do after this? I put them on a pedestal if they want to come out with me. It seems like this girl is exactly what I want, and I let myself believe that. I know everyone has flaws, its part of being human, but I don't let myself see those flaws. So, now this girl is put in the uncomfortable position of being pursued by someone who she knows will continue to pursue her. That gives her the freedom (and desire) to ignore me, because she knows I"ll come back. Its the same reason I am not intrigued by the girls that come out of the woodwork simply by me just flirting with them. So, what can I do about this? I'm really not sure, because this is all cause and effect from my personality. Its just who I am. I don't have the self control to keep myself from falling for these girls, because I want to spend more time around them regardless of the situation. "Lets do something just as friends?" they'll say, and I'll be all over that, because this is my opportunity to prove myself in her eyes. The thing is, I don't seem to understand that I can't... once a girl says "friends," you're fucked. Thats just the way it works. I need to learn to walk away when I hear the word "friend." Now, granted, two of my best friends resulted from situations very simlar to this, and I'm extremely glad they're there. One of them I used to have feelings for, and the other one I still do. She knows this, but she's not interested, and I understand why, but at the same time I don't. It makes perfect sense to me in my brain why she's not interested, but in my heart I keep feeling like there has to be something I can say or do to make this girl fall for me. Its taken me a long time to realize even that much. I really shouldnt be writing this, since I know she'll read this, but the point of this blog is just to express whats on my mind. This is me. Good or bad, this is me. This is the way I work. Now I guess I need to figure out which part of me is broken... my brain or my heart.

Meh. I dislike being sick / having allergies / or what have you. Its just negative fun. Thats right, I said negative fun. It takes normal and makes it UNFUN. Or something. Anyhoo, I've been listening to a lot of All-American Rejects lately, they're this band from Stillwater that were at Edgefest. I'd never heard of them prior to Saturday, and I'm sure you haven't either, but I highly recommend getting some of their stuff off of Kazaa or Grokster or AudioGalaxy or FTP (like Tyler, because he's ghey, and thinks DOS is easier to use.) Anyway, I have to go in early to work to take a trainer test, to see if I can become a trainer. Its not very likely, but its worth a shot. So, feeling like ass, i'm gonna crash for an hour. I wonder if Keith works tonight, it could be very interesting, seeing as I generally have a very short temper when i'm sick. Hopefully I'll get around to actually putting something on the "me" page later tonight. I have tons of ideas, although I'm sure none of you will be very interested. But when I'm extremely rich someday you can say you knew my lazy ass back in the day.
Peace. *drifts off thinking about having money and a trophy wife.....mmmmmmm

9-15-02

I still hurt all over, but hell, it was so worth it. I left several things out of my earlier update about edgefest, namely just how fucking cool Bowling For Soup was. I'd never seen a band take a break onstage to drink beer, and I'd never seen a band come out onstage during another bands set completely naked and run around. To be honest, I hope I don't ever again, but hell, it was extremely funny.
Now, I have a problem. A gay guy wants to fight me. Normally this wouldnt really bother me, but the sad fact is he could prolly kick my ass. To quote a conversation I had earlier today:
Me; Hey Josh, Keith wants to fight me.
Josh: Wow, when's the fight, I wanna put money on it.
Me (naively): On ME, right?
Josh: Uhhh, well, he is a big fucker.

Thanks Josh. So, whatever, if he starts something, I'll finish it, but as it is, i'm not getting fired for his faggy ass.
One last thing: Mad props to Tyler (look, your name is on my blog, you're famous!) for hooking me up with some trace/dance music. Normally I avoid a lot of the stuff like the plague, but its really damn good. Gracias.

Edgefest was so fucking cool. I'm in such an awesome mood and such high spirits, it was truly a great day. Best workout I think I've ever had, I spent the entire day in the pits keeping all the damn crowd surfers in the air. So many great bands, so much fun in the pits, so many underage boobies. I can't even describe it all, so much went down. Only down side? I'm writing this at 1:30 in the morning, and I just got home, and the last band left the stage before 11:30. Meh, small price to pay for happiness. Oh, BTW, I really enjoy being skinnier. I'm not out of breath and I had numerous girls hit on me. Granted, they were almost all underage, but hey, I'm allowed to be happy every now and again.
Okay my white t-shirt is now a shade of light brown and I am soaked through with sweat (mine and countless other peoples), beer (no, I didn't drink, it was thrown), and smoke (cigarette and weed, mostly). So, its time for a shower cause I'm afraid I'll try to get in bed and my bed will kick me out on principle. Either that or I'll have to deal with the smell for how ever many nights it will take for me to change the sheets, so I'll choose the path of least resistence.
Oh, one last thing: Kathrin, who wrote a spiffy article that you will find under the "other stuff" section (click the button up top) should have come with me. If you know her, harass her. Peace.

9-14-02

Just wanted to share a quote with you, its mine, and I thought it was funny, so if you don't, too damn bad, get your own website.
We need people to rule over.
Midgets.
Lots of midgets.
Not much to say, I'm tired, and confused, but in a mostly good mood, so don't read too much into the lyrics. A cookie for anyone who can tell me the song. I'm out, gotta rest up for edgefest in the morning.
Cause I feel so sad,
I feel so angry
feel so callous
so lost, confused, again
I feel so cheap
so used, unfaithful
lets start over
lets start over

9-13-02

You know, as I stated earlier, I'm pretty happy, I have just about everything I want, with one exception... Its been entirely too long since I've had someone I could just wrap up in my arms and not let go of.

Fuck Oklahoma. I received a letter today from the OK tax commission. I eagerly tore into it, expecting to pull out a check for $39 (my refund due to me, according to my tax returns). Now, just a bit of history, my taxes were fully refunded because of all the tuition I payed and the fact that I am no longer a dependant. I even took the step of having my mom's accountant fill them out and file them, at a cost of $65 to me. So, I eagerly open the envelope..... "Dear Taxpayer:

Your 2001 oklahoma income tax return has been examined and adjusted. The adjusted items are listed below:

Sales Tax Credit:......... Reported: $40. Adjusted: $0
Total Refundable credits:. Reported: $289 Adjusted: $249
Overpayment of Income Tax. Reported: $39. Adjusted: $0
Refund.................... Reported: $39. Adjusted: $0
INcome Tax Due:........... Reported: $0.0 Adjusted: $1.00
Balance due: $1.00

What does this mean? Instead of receiving a check for $39, I received a bill for $1.00. Now, I can afford one dollar, thats not the problem. Its the principle of the thing. I'm getting screwed here, and I don't see any option other than lying down and taking it. Any suggestions, boys and girls?
Anyhoo, on a lighter note, I got to square dance tonight. Not professionally, mind you, I'm saving that for next week. Also, an acquaintance of mine from work invited herself to edgefest with me. I am not entirely sure if this is a good thing or not. I was kind of looking forward to going alone, and not worrying about doing or seeing what anyone else wanted to. Oh well, company is company.
Alright. I admit it. Anyone who knows me knows I have a strong dislike of rap on the whole. Well, through my nephew I got my hands on the new Eminem CD. You know what? Its really damn good. I hate to say it, cause right now i'm listening to a white guy rapping, and that is just about as far from the kind of music I like as you can get, but oh well, its good. Alrighty, I have a class at 8 am cause my instructor is a bastard, and scheduled a mandatory one on a day when I'm not only not supposed to have his class, but any classes at all until 1 pm. That, my friends, is a run-on sentence.

W00t.

9-11-02

Check out the Other Stuff link at the top, hopefully tonight I'll have a response from a good friend of mine to an email she got today, it makes for good reading, and I ask anyone who has something to say on the matter to send it to me.

You know, I didnt realize when I posted that last night what day it was (9-11). I feel pretty stupid now, complaining about some dinky shit that affected my day. Today belongs more as a day of reflection, and maybe a day of thanks. Well, I've decided to go see Jimmy Eat World this weekend. Get some sun, see some bands, take out some aggression in the mosh pit, have a fun time. Just need to get my hands on a ticket, shouldnt be tough, they always have way too damn many. Turns out Blindside is going to be in the autograph tent at 4, just might swing by to get my CD signed, I think that would be extremely cool. Anyhoo, not much else going on, called this girl who left her number on my table Sunday, she seems cool, goes to TU with me, might take her out later. We'll see. Only knock against her so far is that she isn't someone else :) Anyhoo, peace out. Oh, and enjoy this, its an ad for some company thats supposed to scan your PC to look for "Bad things." I just love the grandma, hahaa:

You know, every now and then, you just have a shitty day. I just finished a shitty day, but you know what? No long term damage was done, nobody I care about was hurt, and most things can be fixed. So I guess it was alright. My only question is this: Do I wear a sign that says ask me stupid questions?
On that note:

9-10-02

Hi. Inspired by some music i've been listening to, plus the fact that everyone and their brother seems to have one of these, plus the fact that there is never enough space in my profile to type what I want, I've decided to create my own little blog (web-log). It seems like it would be a good place to just express what I'm thinking about, whats on my mind, cause I know I need a place to vent. I have no idea if this will accomplish this, or what people will think of what I type, or whatever, and to be blunt, I don't care. I don't feel like taking any more shit from people. This was my idea, and if you think I've copied something from you, or stolen your ideas or whatever, rest assured, I didn't. I just hope I can make this somewhat as interesting and unique as the kind of lyrics I love in music.

I will be spending some serious time making this look a lot better, once upon a time I used to be good at html, but right now I just want to ramble about whats on my mind. I just got out of class, again, and I only have a couple hours before I go to work, so this will be fairly short.

Point 1: You know, its pretty rare that I'm jealous of people, but I really envy certain artists and their ability to express what they think and feel in words... I really wish I could do that, and I'll attempt to do that as well as I can here.

I wish I had more free time, as it is I'm working 30-36 hours a week, plus taking 18 hours at TU. Its ok though, I'm doing what I want. I'm going to school the place I want to, I have the money I need to have (most of the time), and I drive a car thats in my name. Its actually very fulfilling to look around at the things around you and be able to say I own all of this, because I worked for it. Heh, but you know what? Things (objects, toys) aren't the things that are important. They aren't. Its nice to have a beautiful sound system to come home to, but its been entirely too long since there was someone there with that stereo. And you know what? When they were there, that stereo wasn't being used.

I'm going to post some lyrics here that I used to have part of in my profile, I always thought there were beautiful, and were words that helped when I had some things on my mind a while back. I'm out.

You and me
We have no faces
Soon our lives they’ll be erased
Do you think they will remember?
Or will we just be replaced
Oh I wish that I could see,
How I wish that I could fly
All the things that hang above me
To a place where I can cry

So what can it be?
No one hears me call,
Echoes back at me
No ones there.
To all these nameless feelings
I cant deal with in my life
To all these greedy people
Trying to feed on what is mine
You’ve got to filll your hunger
And stop fucking with my mind
I know its time to leave these places far behind

You and me
We have no faces
They don’t see us anymore
Without love as they had promised
And no faith for what’s in store
Oh I wish that I could see
How I wish that I could fly
All the things that hang above me
To a place where I can cry

So what can it be?
No one hears me call,
Echoes back at me
No ones there.
To all these nameless feelings
I cant deal with in my life
To all these greedy people
Trying to feed on what is mine
You’ve got to filll your hunger
And stop fucking with my mind
I know its time to leave these places far behind

Where are all these feelings hiding?
Dancing in and out my mind
Burning up all that I long for
Feeding me till my decline
Where are you? My soul is bleeding
I am searching am I blind?
All alone and bound forever
Trapped inside me for all time

To all these nameless feelings
I cant deal with in my life
To all these greedy people
Trying to feed on what is mine
You’ve got to fill your hunger
And stop fucking with my mind
I know its time to leave these places far behind x2